So this is the week that I started to feel a bit overwhelmed. I am a bit worried that my social media habits in general are getting carried away. Unfortunately I also find myself still scrolling for fashion and dogs in addition to the other more productive pages and platforms I’ve found. My phone gives me an update of my screen time and I have reminders of how long I’ve been on, but despite that my time shot up over an hour last week.
On top of everything else it’s Father’s Day this weekend which is a bit bittersweet for me. I have the most amazing husband in the world and I love celebrating him. He is the best dad and partner ever, and I say that knowing some other pretty great guys. He is fun and adventurous… funny and caring… super cute, devoted and hard working. We are going to St. Augustine, which is one of our favorite places to visit. We’ve been going since we first started dating and something about it feels like a second home for us. I honestly could not be more pumped. Actually I could be… we are going with his parents, who are also seriously some of my best friends. His dad has stepped in for me in ways that I can’t even begin to describe… some I’m sure he is aware of and others he just stumbles into. His mom is such a positive light in my life and has honestly helped to shape the person I am. We are headed up to see an O.A.R. concert at the amphitheater. My mom, who is one of the strongest and kindest people in the world, is watching our kiddos and then driving them up first thing Sunday so we can be together. I am so grateful for my circle and I am genuinely so happy and excited to go.
…. On the flip side, this will be my fifth… I guess sixth actually… Father’s Day without my dad. My dad was the coolest guy ever. He taught me how to love unconditionally. He opened his heart and his home to everyone he met. He was always there to lend a hand, give an encouraging word, bail you out… Even literally in some cases. He was the most generous person. He lived life to the fullest and everything was over the top. He worked hard for his entire life and gave us everything we could ever hope for. He sold the instrument he used to get through his masters program at Stony Brook so he could put presents under our tree. He sent my mom a rose for every month they’d been married for their 25th wedding anniversary…. I will never forget how the house smelled. He was an amazing cook and was always there to make me an “Egg McAmy”….. NOT AN EGG MCMATT…..when I got home after a night out with friends. He opened our home to all of our friends. Sometimes for days… weeks…months at a time. He took us… and I mean the friends too… on dream vacations and helped so many make memories they will never forget. He coached me in soccer for as long as I played. He coached everyone in soccer. Seriously…. Everyone. He surrounded us with families he trusted and loved… sometimes too much. He always kept his heart open… even after so much heartbreak. He spoiled me but kept me grounded at the same time. He built a life that was secure and indulgent but gave as much as he could, in every aspect of the word. His humor is the reason I think of him every day. He was a bit crass, but hilarious. Except in Germany…. his sarcasm did not travel well over seas.
When I first went away to college and was overwhelmed and the thought of choosing my path he gave me the best advice, “It’s not about where you go, it’s how you get there”. It is something I still remind myself and share with my students and children often. He instilled in me a love for writing and art. He was a “grammar nazi” and made my brother go to summer school in 7th grade because he couldn’t spell “becouse”. (I support that decision and my son spends a lot of time in “reading camps” over the summer). He was literally a master musician and filled our house with piano music in the mornings… Or very loud Jimmy Buffet is he suspected my older brothers were hungover. He also played the guitar, bass, trombone, harmonica, drums… you name it. He sang Billy Joel’s “Uptown Girl” to my mom. He also would discreetly mention from time to time that his band did in fact open for Billy Joel’s on Long Island in the early 70’s. He had wanderlust that I admire and moved my mom to Colorado, Ohio, back to Long Island and then Florida. When my brother enrolled in Kindergarten she insisted they lay down roots. He just happened to agree to do so in the place 15 minutes from where my mother’s parents had retired. He gave me that sense of travel that I still carry with me today… He knows more about me that I’d care to admit. He’s seen all the demons but helped keep the light shining bright.
The fact that he is gone is not something I really deal with. I miss him so much and I think about him every day. I hope that I am making him proud, and I think that I am. I wish he was here to see my kids grow up. He loved my son and I swear he stayed with Luke for a bit longer then he stayed with the rest of us. I see him when I look into Luke’s face. Even though his eyes are my most favorite shade of cloud blue…. Those eyes are the perfect combination of my husband’s and my father’s. He would love my daughter so much. I don’t know that it would be possible to spoil her anymore than she already is, but I’m sure he’d find a way. I hope to keep his spirit near her and I think we do a pretty good job of that. She had a special relationship with his dog Griffin, and they might even still visit her every now and then. She sure brings them both up a lot…
I think he’d want us to all live our best life….
Get a hobby and dive in…. Maybe don’t buy every single accessory and version of it like he did immediately… with everything… (because then when you mom sells your childhood home there is quite a bit to deal with, but we’re getting there)…. But still dive in.
Laugh everyday. That’s important. Find someone who you can laugh with. That’s really important too.
Work hard. My dad came from very humble beginnings. He grew up on the south shore of Long Island and I actually just found my Linderhurst sweatshirt this week. The timing of that is only now hitting me.
Keep on truckin’. Everyone has the shit. Life is hard but stay positive. Have fun. Eat something covered in butter. Have a cocktail by the pool…. Maybe not seven… that’s something that’s important to be mindful of too.
Be near water as often as you can. Lay in the sun but wear sunscreen and a hat… and sunglasses… And actually if Jeff is anywhere around you should probably be in the shade that he brought with him and set up for you because otherwise he is going to follow you around with an umbrella and yell at you about getting sunburnt. But open the blinds and let the sun hit your face in a responsible way.
Plant something. Make something… any type of make… cook, paint, draw, write, take a picture.
Stay moving. Exercise and stay in shape. I wish I had the balls to run a marathon like he did often, but I don’t. I do go to yoga as much as I can. I feel really close to him there. Especially with Jill and Robin. He visits me through their music sometimes. And actually Jess and Alexis too. Oh and Erin, of course Erin. Ya, I feel really close to him there.
Never stop learning. I really hope I can take up the piano again one day. And I really need to get Luke some lessons. I am grateful for the tiny bit of music I often play… [Insert Rivers of Babylon, Wish You Were Here, Tora Lora Lora, Ode to Joy]… I think he’d be pretty happy that I went back to school. I am still not entirely sure about my destination, but I always remind myself of that same great advice and remain grateful for, and fully involved in, the journey.
I really hope I get to see him again one more day. For more than just the visit in my dream… or savasana… more than that second in my kiddos’ eyes. More than in the words and guidance I try to share with others. More than a sunset with my family or a beer in a dark bar where I am oddly good at pool and darts. I hope he is happy and pain free and that he sees himself in us. That everyone that he touched helps him to live on and live life well.
I love you Dad. I miss you so
much.